Attention, WalMart Shoppers

As we wring out the old year, let me say that I've been around a few years now and I notice things.

For instance: Whereever I go, half the people seem to be below average intelligence. Except for Wal-mart.

At Walmart today, black-eyed peas, a traditional good-luck item in southern New Years' Day dinner, were sold out on the packaged beans aisle, the canned beans aisle, and the frozen beans aisle. We encountered several other shoppers looking for them in vain. We chanced upon them as we were leaving. Black-eyed peas were still stacked high on a special display over by the seafood, however, where they'd be easy to find.

Also at Walmart today, I had parked the cart in a corner where I'd be out of the way. A woman came by from behind me, saying in a loud voice "Stay there, Richard. Stay there. Wait right there, I said." Behind her came her poor 25 year-old Down's Syndrome son, pushing a cart and looking confused as hell. Then came Richard's father, taking up the rear with the 15 year old Down's son riding in a cart. The father was yelling, "Move it, Richard, move it." That poor kid!

In addition, we saw two girls wearing snow boots with scanty, off-the-shoulder outfits and one wearing sandals and a heavy jacket. At least they weren't in the same group. And there was the lady who loved purple so much, she was wearing almost every shade of it of purple and lavender. She had dressed her granddaughter in the other shades.

At the all-you-can-eat oriental buffet, we saw a woman who was morbidly obese. I mean Jabba the Hut FAT. She was waddling around, filling a plate with desserts. I guess you're not too fat until your arms won't reach the food when your belly is up against the bar. Or maybe, at that point, she'd just absorb the buffet like a giant amoeba. Hey, hold it, this isn't an all-you-can-absorb buffet, Jabba.

The hawk's been coming back and the telescope is set up. He's a large, red-tailed hawk in dark winter plumage. I got to about 50 yards by angling back and forth across the pasture so I never seemed to be walking straight at him. As soon as I reached the fence line and couldn't angle any more, he flew off.

Attention WalMart shoppers. Have a happy new year.