Look, Ma, I can proofreed

Sorry James hasn't been blogging lately. He's too busy in the summer to do much blogging. He's been busy watching me mow, watching me garden, watching me weedwhack, watching me vacuum the pool, watching me tend the amimals, etc. He's too exhausted to blog.

I've begun freelance editing with a couple of online services and was so amazed at the errors in writer's profiles. Remember, these are supposedly professionals, who want to sell you on their writing skills. Here are a few of them:

*I am a college student my majors are Elementary Edcation, English, and Science with a minor in Social Studies.

I thought that was spelled “edumacation.”

*Willing to work with you to provide the results you want and need. Happy to personalize any speech or announcement as to make it more effective and more prone to listening ears. My writing is sure to sound as professional as any over paid half-wit and, given the right resources, I can assure that I can compile any amount of data in a clear and eloquent manner.

So why should I hire you instead of some other over-paid halfwit? Oh, now I see.

When you write, the reader doesn’t have to read, he just needs to listen to the sound.

*Job history… Being a Nerd; Being a Geek; Being a Propellerhead

So, you’ve never had a job, huh?

*our track record demonstrates our committment to our clients - overwhelmingly positive feedback and many perfect 5.0 scores.

Which is better than imperfect 5.0 scores, right?

*Hello Future Employer
My name is ****** I am 21 years old and live in Strathroy Ont. Canada. I am a Idependent Outsourcing Contractor. With a degree from **** District Collegiate Institute. and experience from the course Life Smarts / Job Smarts issued by Leads Employment Services Inc. I have minor knowledge in bussiness and marketing and am a certified typing expert typing upwards of 85 words per second.

85 WORDS PER SECOND! Every writer should take that Life Smarts / Job Smarts course if they can certify that sort of speed. And they even issue experience.

*I’m a freelance writer with a passion for writng, i proof-read all my own work as well as acedemic articles by several other writters, I Have also done some proof -reading for technical articles and advertising for a local electronics company. I have some experience with article writing incuding advertising and local news. I have an excellent grasp of the English language including punctuation, grammarand sentence forming. I admit I am a bit of a perfectionist but can offer dedication to any project and will focus and complete work to the best of my ability Although I am a rookie. I have 10 years freelancing experience.

So, which gives me the greater reason to use your service? The misspelling or the comma splices? Or maybe the fact you’re a rookie, yet have 10 years experience? Anyway, pick up a copy of eats, shoots, and leaves, huh?

*My name is Imran. I am from Sialkot(Pakistan). I am MBA in finance.

I am LOL impressed.

*I am join here for make some real money from my hard work.i have more than 10 years experience in online marketing,article writing ,promotion,camping and many more. but if you want authentic work then you must complete your work by me.  – India

I’d hire a happy camper at the drop of a backpack.

*i can write different articles with a wide range of topics. i can make summaries and reviews as well. copywriting wouldn’t be a problem either though my greatest strenght would be with features.

And what’s your greatest weankess?

*I also expertise in SEO and I am familiar will all aspects of Search Engine Optimization.
And do you also expertise in use of the word “with?”

*I’ve also wrote the sales side of the business.

Yeah, who cares about tense, anyway? You’re hired.

That's all for now. Hopefully I'll have a chance to blog more, since I have Fridays off in the summer.

John

Eagle Sightings

Sorry, the secret agents won't be blogging this week. Now that the weather's warming up, I'm going to be a lot busier at outside work.

The eagle has been back and he (she?) brought company along. An immature eagle, blotchy brown and feathery roosted in the same tree, alongside the adult. I spent 20 minutes before sunset in the stable, hoping to get a picture if one of them stooped on a chicken, then chase the eagle off. They didn't attack, however, and flew off at dusk. Then Thursday, the adult flew directly over my head, about thirty feet high. Magnificient!

Asparagus is growing like crazy, which is also how we eat it.

Last weekend, a tree came down and wiped out a section of fence. Thursday, one of the horses broke the fence, where it had been weakened by Boo cribbing (chewing wood and pulling it loose) and got free. So I had to take off from work and repair the fence, including a new electric-fence transformer and running new  wire. This weekend, we start work on the garden.

I got a great review of WOLFWRATH on Amazon and the Museum of the Albemarle Gift Shop has agreed to sell copies of "..AND REMEMBER THAT I AM A MAN."

That's it for this week.  Take care,

John

Wrestle Mania

Hello, welcome to the BRF - Bedroom Rasslin' Federation

Today, on "Everyday Fights" we bring you...

That wild and crazy guy - Stone-Cold Sebastian

And his opponent - The Mystery Wrestler

He's really up for this match.

On your mark. Get set. Go!

A lightning move takes Stone-Cold by surprise

Brilliant! It's the Ear-flap opening!

The Mystery Wrestler uses the Cheek-Bite Takedown.

Stone-Cold is not amused.

He pushes his smaller opponent off.

And the battle is on.

What a fight!

The Mystery Wrestler gains the upper paw!

Then pulls a surprise move.

It's a Full-tail Nelson!

But Stone-Cold is sly.

It's the old Anal-Gland-Expression escape!

"Yuck!"

"Hey, there's a penalty for that."

MW is really mad, now.

He takes Stone-Cold down.

And gets Stone-Cold into position for the move that will reveal the mystery wrestler's true identity -

It's HUMP HOGAN!

And the match is over. Stone-Cold knows when he's been licked.

Chick Magnet

We have a problem.

A serious problem.

I never would have believed it.

DaddyMan went out and he says he's going to pick up chicks.

How could he do that to MommyLady?

We wish he'd come home and stay with us.

He's home and he brought this box with him.

It's probably a box of candy for MommyLady. He should be ashamed. But it sure smells tasty.

Hey! This box just chirped.

Holy crap! Look what DaddyMan brought home.

What d'ya think you're looking at, Buster?

I'll bet you're delicious.

I could chomp you right up.

Hey, Daddyman put them up where we can't reach.

No fair!

 

I hope he takes me along next time he goes out to pick up chicks.

The Spy who Came Home from the Spa

Hello. As I'm sure everyone knows, I'm Secret Agent James Cocker.

I've decided to let you know about top secret spy agencies. You know:

F.B.I. - C.I.A. - M.I.5 - K.G.B. - S.P.C.A. - P.E.T.A.

Some of these, you've probably already figured out from my earlier secret reports..

 F.B.I. - Face  Bends  Inexplicably 

C.I.A. - Candy Is Annoying

M.I.5 - No, you just had your third birthday, remember?

 I'll tell you about the bad guy organizations by telling you about a recent operation.

The case started with that lady over there.
You know her as MommyLady.

She looks friendly, I know, but I'm beginning to suspect she's really a double agent.





She said she would take me to the S.P.A. to get my hair done. Notice how beautiful and curly it is.

I figured we'd have a beauty treatment and maybe stop for cupcakes or jelly donuts on the way home.

I should have been suspicious, but all I could think of was jelly donut.

Before I knew what was going on , I ended up at a place called Animal Adventures Grooming Parlor.

Adventures? Talk about false advertising. I'm turning A.A.G.P. in to the B.B.B.!

A young lady put me on a table and started pulling my hair. She kept asking me about someone named Matt and telling me how bad he was.

Matt's my cousin, but I wouldn't tell them anything about him. Instead I resisted.

That's when they put the muzzle on me.

They kept torturing me, but I called on my superpowers.

I wouldn't tell 'em nuttin'.

She said she couldn't straighten Matt out and he'd have to be "eliminated." She began torturing me with buzzing clippers.

I realized I'd fallen into the hands of the K.G.B.

Krazed Girl Barbers.

When she was done with me, I also realized what S.P.A. stood for.

Shaving People's Asses!

Secret Agents hate it when that happens.